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Andy Zaltzman the destroyer of Fairy Tales
After Snow White was miraculously resuscitated by the CPR and mouth to mouth following her cardiac arrest, she jumped onto the horse of the strange man ignoring her late mother’s constant scolding of don’t get on the horses of strange men. She told herself this is a Fairy Tale, it looks like it ends well while the camera rolls. The two rode in awkward silence until they approached the road leading out of the Disney Studio in Nottingham forest. The strange man cleared his throat, and said, “We should take to the hospital, deal with those broken ribs.” “Yeah, thanks for that whole life saving thing,” Snow said calmly. “I suppose we get married now,” the man said. They rode on in silence until they arrived at the parking lot. They got into his Subaru and drove down into the suburbs of West London. As they drove through Tunbridge Wells the man sneezed violently, and swerved into oncoming traffic, nearly smashing into Andy Zaltzmans Ford Focus. Leaving a large scratch and a very Andy jew swearing like a nut case swearing revenge. ( Which as any good Bugler knows was reported on the Bugle) It turns out the man whose name was Gordon was very nice, he was a lot of fun. He made lame jokes that no one but Snow laughed at much like a Jew he never met but who’s paths crossed violently. As it happens, they fell in love making the wedding invitations. Seeing as millions of children were expecting them to be married, Snow followed through on her contract and married the Gordon. Disney managed to find true love by fooling snow white by filling in an E-harmony questionnaire and found Gordon based on compatibility. They hoped that it would work out or an otherwise very awkward and disappointing sequel would have to be released. Fortunately for them though it worked out. Gordon was a stock broker while Snow white stayed home and met other financially well off ladies, until she saw her first World Vision commercial. The appalling workplace conditions and squalid residences reminded her of the dwarves. In their memory she became a staunch member in human rights groups aiding the poor and disenfranchised. Eventually she became quite a big name and was interviewed by Oprah. Snow White became quite a public figure, eclipsing Martha Stewart, Whitney Houston, MC Hammer, Michael Jackson, The Backstreet Boys, and Nelson Mandela, and John Oliver, combined. She continued on bringing education, food, political reform and hope to those in need. She had everything she needed. Until the speech.... “Anything that can go wrong will. We all know that, but it doesn’t have to be that way...” “Your husband has been in an accident.” A stage hand whispered into her earpiece. She dialled 999 and declared “My husband has had an attack of irony.” At that moment her life collapsed. She fell unconscious and was rushed to the hospital. Her husband had been the only victim of a drunken driving accident (Andy Zaltzman after only three glasses of sherry on his way to the recording studio). When she woke up, overcome with despair, she headed for the forest where the dwarves lived. When she arrived she heard from the woodland animals, that the dwarves mining company had been bought by British Petroleum when oil had been found in the area, and that the dwarves were currently working in a cobalt mine in Afghanistan. That was when she made the choice, not to work even harder, not to stand up and campaign even harder for a better society, not to give herself inspiration from her beloved husband’s death. Instead, she chose to give up, and head to Mexico, she wandered the Yucatan Peninsula, inadvertently ruining the days of people who happened to see her sad face. She knows works in a Sombrero store with Cinderella whining about how pointless life is, and that desolation is the only true feeling. She goes home now every night conjuring nothing but thoughts of hateful bilge, to help her sleep at night. Much like Nick Griffin. Chris doesn't like tales. Fuck you Chris